“We had the best English lesson ever,” said DS1, as he greeted me when I picked him up from school. “Oh, yes, what did you do?” “We watched The Crown.” Oh, that was surprising. I was under the impression that this Netflix production was a tad too risqué for the likes of an eight-year-old. They’d watched episode 2, which was about the accession of Queen Elizabeth II. “There was a sad bit,” he told me.

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“Dad, you’ve got a big willy,” said DS1. What a boost for my ego. For a moment I basked in the glory – not morning glory, I assure you. And I was fully clothed at the time, your honour. “It’s not appropriate to say that,” I cautioned him. “You’ve got a big bum.” “While that may be true, again, it’s not appropriate to say that to people.” “You’ve got a big willy.” He hasn’t quite

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Finally, DS1 has gone back to school wearing new shoes. The ‘finally’ refers to the getting of new shoes, not the going back to school… then again. For the past two months (possibly longer) it had been plainly obvious that his school shoes were too small for him, but he refused to acknowledge the fact. He claimed they fitted him perfectly, even though his trainers and football boots, which were a size bigger, were deemed

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It took four days but it finally came out. Being at a music festival and needing a number two is, for the least squeamish among us, a test of the human spirit, but for someone who doesn’t like dirt (except, bizarrely, on himself or in his bedroom) it is a major challenge. It’s amazing to me that he is happy to dive around on wet grass and cover himself in mud, but he cannot bring

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