The boy’s teacher rang me during school hours (not that she rings me out of school hours – that would be weird). That’s never a good thing. “I just wanted to let you know about an incident that happened today,” she said. I braced myself. “We were in PE, acting out some Roman battle scenes, when decided to punch one of the girls in the stomach. He then wrapped his arms around her neck. It

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DS1 handed me a piece of paper headed ‘Dad’ and which was split into two columns. The left one he’d labelled ‘Good’ and the right one ‘Bad’ – it was a list of my pros and cons, as he saw them. I read it with a sense of trepidation. The things about me that he apparently finds positive include: Fat tummy (for jumping on) Dumb smile Sort of spiky hair Tiny boobs, so I can’t

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This term DS1’s class is studying the Romans. He’s already obsessed. We spent last weekend scouring Netflix for anything gladiator related and discovered two very bizarre films. One had Ross Kemp voicing the main protagonist. Somehow Ross’s dulcet East End tones didn’t quite conjure up images of ancient Rome. But the absolute corker was a truly dreadful Italian film with subtitles and hysterically bad fight scene choreography. It was the type of movie that was

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